Thank you soo much for your feedback on our work! Makes one very happy!

Sent from my iPad

Everything comes down to benefits. With the Discovery, the ultimate benefit is the experience, and that is what this piece of copy is designed to convey. The literary tone was already present in the original and I think is absolutely right. Interestingly, in the original there *was* a sentence break after the first few words, but it created an awkward repetition. I didn’t want to begin the sentence with ‘it’ so I ran the phrases together. I think you have found the same problem, but your solution creates a sentence that has no subject. So yes, I would agree with Johan that if you break up the sentences the rhythm is lost. If you think of it as a literary piece, reading aloud will work better.

I completely agree about adjectives in copy, but in fact there are only two here– and if you define adjective in terms of grammatical structure, arguably just the one. There are a lot of descriptive words but they are nearly all nouns and verbs.

I think the points you make are good ones for ad copy, but a manifesto is something different. A manifesto or mission statement can’t be a factual piece, which leaves two places to go – bland corporatism or something aspirational. There are plenty of examples around to show how hard it is to write aspirational copy without sliding into pretentiousness, but I like to think we got the balance right here!

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